I DIDN’T STOP BEING PREGNANT… MY BABY DIED

I DIDN’T STOP BEING PREGNANT… MY BABY DIED

Today is day 17 without you and nothing has changed apart from everything…


SILENT TEARS

Each day as evening starts to set,  the ache builds in her chest. She knows that she must go to bed and try go get some rest…

She hugs her tearstained pillow close, when no one is around and cries for one she loved and lost, and screams without a sound.

Others see her in the day and think she’s doing well. But every day as evening sets, she enters her own hell.

Time hasn’t healed her pain at all, or quieted her fears. So every night, alone in bed she sheds those silent tears…

{ KP – Out of the Ashes }


The last two days have been my worst as I sink further and further into this lonely space { I think they call it reality }. My anger in and at the world has reached new limits and I find myself wanting to be more and more alone. Alone with my thoughts in my safe place. As the flowers stop arriving and the text messages become less frequent, you realise just how empty you are. You realise how deep the hole in your heart and your life really is.

While I’ve declined most offers of ‘support’ (food, visits…) because I would rather be alone, I then find myself thinking irrational thoughts of jealousy and anger that everyone else’s life { seems } A-OK. This stage of grief is not a logical or fair place… But maybe by me sharing how I feel through my posts, it can give others a small insight into just how different each day and in fact, each hour can be. As the contact from the ‘real world’ fades, I somehow feel so does her memory – in everyone else’s eyes. The messages that tell you to “stay strong“, the messages that say “at least you have Mia Grace“, the “you will have another baby one day“… No one GETS IT. No one understands THIS pain and THIS loss. I DIDN’T JUST STOP BEING PREGNANT, MY BABY DIED!

I just want to scream at everyone… The physical heartache is exhausting and life crippling. You start to see who your REAL friends are and what people are really made of – for better and worse. To those of you who don’t know what to say or how to handle ‘this’ sort of thing, I’ll relieve you from your awkwardness – there’s NOTHING you can say. What you can do though is acknowledge the arrival of this baby, acknowledge their existence and the pain their parents will feel FOREVER. You can also remind yourself > I DIDN’T STOP BEING PREGNANT, MY BABY DIED!

She died. For five months my whole heart and my entire body loved her. I made her and now she’s gone. I laboured for so much longer than I did with Mia Grace. The pain was unbearable and traumatising – physically, mentally and emotionally. Her birth certificate application sits on our kitchen bench – blank. She was a person. She had a name. She had a bedroom – already with her own wallpaper to match her sister’s, her name was on her door… So to those people ( our ‘friends’ ) who haven’t even tried to reach out, please for one second get over how awkward YOU feel and acknowledge our daughter – just like you did the first time. She deserves that. As a mummy who now has to survive the rest of her life without one of her children and keep her tiny memory alive as the world just goes on, harden-up and do the same! Please.

Today, like yesterday, is an ‘angry day’. This isn’t a blame game and I promised our daughter I WOULD become a better person in her honour. That will be her greatest gift to me. I promised I would become a more patient and understanding person… But that’s way down the track. At the moment I’m not choosing anything… I feel like almost everything is an out of body experience – I feel nothing. It’s like I am in slow motion as the world goes on without her and without me. While already having a beautiful little pocket-rocket of a toddler doesn’t make this loss ‘easier’, it does mean I HAVE TO SURVIVE. I do have to get out of bed and when I am with her, it’s literally the ONLY time I feel alive and present. As another mummy who lost her baby said to me recently (your other/future children) “they become your air“, so one day when you’re old enough to understand all of this MG, I will thank YOU. I will thank you for keeping mummy and daddy’s hearts alive.

Again, thank you to all the women out there who continue to reach out with love and their stories. I hope so badly we all find and feel our rainbow one day soon… x


CHARLOTTE ROSE YOUNG – born into heaven on Jan 10th 8.10am, 2017. You may have had a broken heart, but you completed ours. You are the picture of perfection. I look at you every single day and even through all the pain, I feel you. You will forever be a part of me and our family.

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After some prior bad experiences with images and content I’ve shared through She is, Sarah Jane, the below is unfortunately now necessary – particularly due to the sensitive nature of these images. I am disappointed with all we are experiencing right now that I find myself having to include this. I really hope people can be respectful to our family and our daughter.

© 2017 Sarah Jane Young { The images and photographs contained in this blog post and published on this website are the sole property of She is, Sarah Jane (Sarah Jane Young). They are not to be used, copied or published without written consent of Sarah Jane Young. If the said images are utilised other than with the express written consent of Sarah Jane Young, such person or corporation may be prosecuted for breaches of Intellectual Property Law and other governing legislation }

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