stillborn, miscarriage, born into heaven, baby loss, grief, sarah jane young


Well here I am, AGAIN… Writing my feelings for the world to see. Over the last seven weeks I’ve usually written when I’ve been at my lowest or when I need my words to desperately clear some room inside my head. Today isn’t one of my ‘lowest days’, but it is one of confusion, a little bit of hope, sadness, a lot of head noise/chaos and just nothing really – all at the same time.

In the weeks since losing Charlotte Rose, I’ve been seeing a professional who specialises in many different aspects of antenatal and postnatal psychology and it’s been such a great source of support (and safety). It’s been a time where I can discuss every little detail of what I am feeling (and why) in a safe space. It’s also allowed me to explore those emotions and thoughts without them suffocating and consuming me like they do at home. While I do feel ‘safe’ at home, home is also where so many of the ‘triggers’ are. Triggers like where her nursery SHOULD HAVE BEEN, the bed where I went into labour with her, items of clothing I wore during my pregnancy and represent to me my ‘past life’ – the life where I was happy from the inside-out. Other triggers include my beautiful toddler – the LOVE of my life, but also the little person who unknowingly and so innocently triggers emotions of such deep pain… Pain that I will never get to see her little sister achieve, grow and know the wonderment of life like she does… I have faith that this will stop one day, as it’s already lessening as the days go by – but it’s really so confusing / hard / beautiful and F-d up all at once. Another ‘method’ I find releases some pain and lets the tears escape, is searching through the endless amount of quotes online about sillbirth, grief and losing a child { I’ve included a few of the ones that resonate with me very strongly above JFYI }. While logically I know I am NOT ALONE in this type of loss, grief tells you otherwise and so does the comings and goings of every day ‘normal’ life. The life we have no choice but to get on with… The rest of the world appears problem-free, happy and PREGNANT, and then you find yourself running backwards to a very dark place – or at least I do sometimes. These quotes speak to me when I miss her most and feel like no one else in the world ‘gets me’ – this new/sad version of me anyway.

I don’t know WHY life chose us and WHY life chose OUR baby girl, but I’m slowly accepting I never will. As I’ve said before, no one needs this ‘test of strength’, because that’s not what it does. It certainly doesn’t make you stronger, it just shows you how shit and unfair life can be. It opens up the flood gates to anxiety, depression and possibly everything in-between. BUT you (slowly) find warmth in people you’ve never met, you receive rejection and hurt from the ones you loved the most, you see beauty where you didn’t before, you slow down and let this new-found perspective allow you to love harder and deeper than you did before… You also learn that as a mother your heart is NEVER FULL. I am trying to not so much see the positives out of this loss, but the gifts from my sweet girl. Parts of me believe Charlotte has gifted me so much already as a mother, a wife, a friend and a human being. She has taught me to be patient, to be more understanding, to be more open and let people in (still a WIP, but it’s happening) and she’s showed me I AM a great mother – to both my precious girls. I don’t want to be THAT SAD GIRL who lost her baby, but I want to be ONE OF THOSE GIRLS who helps contribute to the fight to change how society responds to stillbirth, miscarriage and also post-natal depression and EVERYTHING in-between that comes with being a new mother. I want Charlotte Rose to be the reason another mother out there reading my words feels less alone and that those lucky enough to never know this pain, can maybe be a little more sensitive and patient while we re-build our hearts and heads from scratch…

Grief has NO rules and NO deadline and it’s also so unique to YOUR journey. Be kind to yourself and to those around you – as you never know who is quietly hurting… SJ x

There IS HELP out there, you just need to know where to look. I hope these help…

SANDS – Sands is a miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death charity. They operate across Australia, supporting anyone affected by the death of a baby. They work to improve the care bereaved parents receive by healthcare professionals and breaking the silence and taboo of baby death in today’s society. They have been a wonderful support for our family and I love following them on social media for their articles and quotes – it’s nice to be reminded ‘we’ are not alone… { CLICK HERE }

BEARS OF HOPE – Bears of Hope Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support provides leading support and exceptional care for families who experience the loss of their baby. Families receive a Bear of Hope donated by another bereaved family. This allows the donating family to give their child’s brief life a purpose and lasting legacy, whilst filling the empty arms of another family as they walk out of the hospital without their baby. We received a bear and what followed was a truly amazing connection and coincidence with a beautiful family – READ MORE / { CLICK HERE FOR BOH WEBSITE }

SIDS & KIDS – SIDS and Kids purpose is to save the lives of babies and support bereaved families who are experiencing the incomprehensible loss of a baby { CLICK HERE }

PANDA – PANDA provides a vital service across Australia by offering the only specialist national perinatal mental health telephone counselling service, as well as reducing stigma around perinatal anxiety and depression, and providing education services to health professionals and the wider community { CLICK HERE }

PERINATAL SOCIETY OF AUSTRALIA & NEW ZEALAND – The vision of PSANZ-SANDA is to reduce the number of stillbirths and neonatal deaths in Australia and New Zealand and to ensure families receive the best possible care and support around the time of stillbirth. This site has many great resources, news and events – as well as links to the above organisations { CLICK HERE }

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