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21 Nov



I’ve been awake since 1.15am this morning, so I’m not sure if I’m even legally allowed to be writing this – but, meh. I’m now five weeks and two days into this gig and all things considering, I think I’m doing pretty well. After the shitty two years we’ve had with experiencing such extreme grief and trauma, I was (and still am) hyper-aware that I may be more vulnerable to PND. Do I have diagnosed depression? No. Have I felt feelings of depression and flatness since Jan 2017, ABSAFKNLUTELY. The darkness after losing Charlotte and then the fight to get pregnant via IVF with Max, was beyond exhausting. It’s a type of exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix, and in many ways I just learnt to function on adrenaline and distractions. I had tunnel vision from our embryo transfer in early Feb, and that was to grow and birth a healthy baby boy that would stay with us forever. I did it. I bloody did it, but now I have to ensure I don’t fall into a heap – even though it would be totally ok (and understandable) if I did. Even with all the newborn craziness and fog, I am trying really hard to look after myself mentally and physically – something ALL parents should do more often!


With respect to my transition from one to two kids (on top of all of this), I actually think for the most part, it’s been so much easier than the jump from no kids to one. NOTHING and NO ONE can prepare you the first time around for the sleep deprivation, the fear of the unknown and the 360 degree change in lifestyle – I think. This time, even though he is a much ‘harder’ baby RE the reflux and all that goes with it, I feel much more at ease. It does all come flooding back to you, there’s just a shitload more to juggle – logistically. I’m a super organised person and thrive on routine, so sexy I know! Of course even the greatest plans in the world can go pear shaped at the drop of a hat, but planning and preparation are key. I’ve had the classic #MUMLIFE teary meltdown a few times now – the baby screaming, the toddler refusing to eat/get dressed, me trying to get showered and dressed, bags packed, bottles cleaned, projectile vomit while I’m paying for the supermarket shopping… you get the picture. All you can do is try, right?! #GOALS



I’m no parenting or early learning expert, but I do think MG has a very high EQ for her age. While she has deep insight into her emotions and able to communicate them well, I think (naturally) she’s been experiencing new emotions that she doesn’t understand, nor can she articulate. She has been INCREDIBLE with Max and absolutely DOTES on him. However, over the past week or so she’s started unravelling a little (with us). I’m sure this is a combination of exhaustion (it’s now a little noisier!), and the fact that her entire little world has changed. In particular, the dynamic between us. Daddy is still the same daddy (#FUNDAD), and I’m still mummy (#THEGRINDER), but 75 million times busier. Between feeds, washing, cleaning, my work, running a household, opening a new business with my husband, trying to settle a newborn with reflux and life in general – UGH, I don’t have time to scratch my ass! The guilt is killing me and I feel at times I am failing her…

Although she adores her new baby brother and has truly been such a great little helper, I think she is also grieving her old life – where she was the centre of our universe (literally). Of course she still is, but her perception of reality has shifted and we have to remember that. MG is a lot like me – a stickler for the rules and likes to please, so tantrums and naughty behaviour isn’t something we see much of. She really is a good kid – lordy, I’m getting all emotional now just thinking of how much I love her, and how very proud I am of her. Send help, I’m so tired I feel tipsy! As of this week we’ve decided that ‘MUMMY-MIA TIME’ has to be a priority. We are going to start having an early dinner date once a week for just us girls, and then something little on the weekends – eg. nails, messy play session, café, movie. I also lay with her every night as she goes to sleep and although this can become tedious sometimes, it’s more important than ever right now. My husband and I have agreed that we are basically in ‘SURVIVAL MODE’, until the dust settles. Of course it’s still important that I make time for Max, and to really absorb and process and enormity of what it took to get here, but I try and do that when she is asleep or elsewhere. 

This time around I am much better at A) asking for help, and B) accepting offers to help – with MG, I chose the suffering in silence option. Particularly in these early weeks, all hands on deck is a MUST. 


To my darling Mia Grace, one day when you are even a BIGGER GIRL than you already are (!!!), I hope you will read some of my posts. Please know that you are and will be my very best friend, forever and ever. You were our light in a very, very dark tunnel and I really struggle to find the words to thank you for that… I see so much of myself in you (sometimes that’s a good thing, others not so much, ha!), but I ADORE YOU. You keep us on our toes and continue to amaze us, each and every day. I only see BIG and WONDERFUL things for you in your future. Thank you for keeping me afloat and Charlotte’s memory alive. Seeing you with Froggy Boy melts my heart, and makes ALL of the pain worth the fight. I love you, sweetheart. Mummy x