A NEW YEAR / A NEW PERSPECTIVE

A NEW YEAR / A NEW PERSPECTIVE

A NEW YEAR / A NEW PERSPECTIVE >

So, here we are. Day eight of 2018 and two days out from Charlotte’s first anniversary/birthday – I don’t really know what to call it. I’m feeling a mixture of emotions, both positive and negative. Unfortunately over the last twelve months my default mode has been to assume and expect the worst. This is exhausting and it’s soul destroying. However, when I feel myself doing this, I like to remind my brain to calm its farm, with this virtual flashcard someone once shared with me > ASSUMPTIONS ARE THE MOTHER OF ALL FUCK-UPS. With this in mind, I will { TRY } not let myself wonder to a dark place about how I will feel and should feel on Wednesday. During this time of reflection I look back at 2017 and still feel physically ill. If there was a button I could press to erase it all, I would seriously consider it. I’ve said this from day one: a loss and trauma like this does NOT make you stronger. You simply strive to survive each day, each week and now, each year. What I have done is poured every ounce of my energy and strength into being the BEST mother I can be for MG. Of course, I am biased as her mother, but let me tell you – SHE IS SOMETHING ELSE! She is an innately happy, charismatic, hilarious and healthy little person and there’s not a second that goes by where I don’t count my blessings. Today I felt the urge to write, I am desperately searching for some closure as this first anniversary approaches and passes, but also a new perspective and a POSITIVE ONE as we kick-start 2018.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNT ABOUT MYSELF?

I flip between thinking I have achieved absolutely NOTHING and EVERYTHING. As I sit here and write this, there is a white butterfly circling Charlotte’s rose outside the window. The comforting smile that came across my face just now probably indicates I’ve achieved quite a lot. I do know I need to stop being so hard on myself, but this is still a BIG W.I.P. I think sometimes { without trying to be insensitive or inflammatory }, I put myself down and under unrealistic expectations in a way of mentally and emotionally self-harming myself to ease the grief, the pain and the reality of what’s happened. It would be so much easier if there was someone or something to blame for what happened, as that’s how many of us have been conditioned to process ‘bad things’ that happen to us as human beings. While I don’t blame myself and have to some extent accepted that LIFE CHOSE US, I am still struggling to accept it – if that makes any sense at all. There’s a beautiful passage that I want to share with you all that resonates so strongly with me and my journey of grief so far:

“The grief of a grieving mother is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that part of them has died, that a vital. and core part of them has been ripped away. The grief caused by their child’s death is not only painful, but profoundly disorientating. Children are not supposed to die. These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child’s death, and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible” – fb/grievingmothers 

SARAH JANE YOUNG, SHANGHAI SUZY, ZOE KARLIS MAKE-UP, MARY MARY STUDIO, BEARS OF HOPE, STILLBORN, 21 WEEKS, PREGNANCY, MUMMY BLOGGER, cass deller

2018 –  NEW YEAR:

There’s a big part of me that is already feeling some relief that this first anniversary will soon be over. Charlotte’s absence is a physical heaviness that I carry with me all day, every day. As we enter our fifth month of our IVF journey and this new year though, I have no choice but to try and lift some of that. By nature I am { was } a very happy and positive person – I MISS HER. Without a doubt there’s still been some great things that have happened over the last twelve months, but it’s different. Everything is different when you are treading water. I’ve lost my passion and direction with regards to my blog and what lights my soul on fire – as lame as that sounds. I truly believe that in order for me to fully adjust to my ‘new normal’, I need to find myself again. I will never be the same person I was before my routine 20 week scan on 4th Jan 2017, but hopefully I can work towards discovering an even BETTER ME. 

I WANT MY PASSION BACK – FULL STOP. I want the feeling back where my brain is bursting with beauty posts to write and products to review. I want my passion to inspire and support the greater sisterhood through what I share, back. I want it all. I want to feel there’s never enough hours in the day in order to achieve what I want to. Just before Christmas I was so close to giving-up ‘SISJ’ and throwing in the towel. I didn’t and don’t see those feelings as failure, I was just exhausted and my priorities were { and are }, TO SURVIVE and to grow our family. I want to thank every single one of you who has stuck around, sent me messages and words of support over the last twelve months. 

One of the many things Charlotte has gifted me is a thicker skin – particularly when it comes to the online world. I used to get so upset by any negative comments left on my pages, I would over-analyse why one post got more/less likes than another, I would compare myself to others with an online presence and then talk myself down or out of pushing forward. Well? FUCK THAT. All those thoughts I’ve had and those expressed by others fail in comparison the pain I’ve felt this year. So, here’s to a NEW PERSPECTIVE!

SARAH JANE YOUNG, SHANGHAI SUZY LIPSTICKS, BEARS OF HOPE, STILLBIRTH, STILLBORN, 21 WEEKS, PREGNANCY LOSS, MISCARRIAGE, MY HEART KID, MUMMY BLOGGER

The biggest thank-you of all is to my darling friend, Jo French – owner of Shanghai Suzy Lipsticks. Thank you for being one of my biggest supporters and allowing my dream of a Charlotte Rose lipstick in honour of all the babies who grew their tiny wings too soon, to come to life. We raised an amazing $13, 289.02 for Bears of Hope and I am SO grateful to all of you who purchased one. 

Over the next few days, please don’t be afraid to reach out and say her name – OVER, AND OVER AGAIN. I hope to keep myself and my mind busy over the next few days with those near and dear to us. 

SJ x


BEARS OF HOPE > http://www.bearsofhope.org.au/

S.A.N.D.S > http://www.sands.org.au/

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