Dear Pregnancy Gods,
So… It seems you found me this time!? I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but here you are – serving-up (or force-feeding!) some seeeeerious pregnancy karma on a silver platter! Upon my three seconds of reflection (amidst feeling horribly shitty, about to vomit and super sorry for myself), I guess I deserve this. ‘This’ being what many (maybe most) women experience in the first trimester – severe exhaustion, revolting morning sickness and just ugh-ness in general. I totally had the ‘perfect’ pregnancy last time with MG – if you can call it that. No morning sickness, a little tired but ok, I felt the most confident I ever have in my body, I trained up until the day before I gave birth, loved my birthing experience and had zero complications > with the incredible gift of a precious, beautiful and healthy baby girl at the end of it. Either it’s a boy this time (??!!), the PG’s realised I’d gone under the radar last time, or it’s just how the pregnancy cookie crumbles – I’m going with D) all of the above! As a write this I am 10 weeks and two days pregnant and trying my very best to enjoy this, as this will probably (although you never know), be my last pregnancy. I would like to thank you (#kindofnotreally) for allowing me to feel so revolting, as I can now say ‘been there done that!’. Tick! As to how much longer this will continue, I am requesting not long – paaaaalease!? However, if this does proceed 14 weeks – you will absolutely be hearing from my people (and those people happen to have a law degree #justsayin).
Lots of love and cuddles,
WHAT I’VE DONE DIFFERENTLY THIS TIME:
Nothing. I’ve been cool, calm and collected – and STRESS-FREE! I am once again embracing my belief in ‘each to their own’ and let’s just grow and birth this baby safely. It’s that bloody simple.
#BIRTHGOALS (and maybe some #bloggoals #lifegoals)
I sat here after writing this heading and thought very carefully about which direction I wanted to take this (sharing/not sharing my entire pregnancy with the online world)… I have recently been very quiet in the personal blog/social post department or sharing anything at all in general (where I have an opinion), after a few (unhappy, miserable, maybe jealous, mean moles with too much time on their hands!) decided to troll all of my platforms tirelessly – for various reasons. After reaching probably my lowest point personally, I made a promise to never write another ‘mamma rant’ again, even though these did make me giggle (and feel better afterwards!). I was fuelling these people and for what? What I have missed though, is connecting with other like-minded people and possibly inspiring or offering some helpful tips through my content along the way. I have formed many friendships and positive connections with people online, and that’s what it should be about (especially when your daily communication sources consist of a toddler, two Cavoodles, some emails and your local barista!). So, here goes…
Up until about 32 weeks I had never considered birth photography and had only heard bits and pieces about it. It did frighten me a little at first, as the labour/birthing experiencing to me was completely unknown and one where we are completely vulnerable and exposed (now I just get nude in-front of anyone!). I spoke to the amazing Emma Isaacs who had birthed all her four bubbas at home and in the presence of a birth photographer. She assured me it would be absolutely one of the best decisions I could make and that I would cherish the images forever. Let’s just say she was spot-on! After meeting with Kelly Jordan and seeing some of her unbelievable and amazing images, I knew she was the gal for us and I felt 100% comfortable knowing she would be part of arguably the best moment of our lives. Before I saw some of the images Kelly took, I was definitely leaning towards ‘these are going straight to the pool room – but locked-up so no-one will ever see them’ kinda way! However, when I saw them a few days after giving birth, that all changed.
I personally struggled a little in the first few weeks when it came to ‘bonding’ with MG, and at the moment of her actual entrance to the world. While I had nothing to compare this new little human or dynamic to (apart from a few over the top and totally unrealistic Hollywood movies!), my expectations were (for whatever reason), the moment she came out it would be butterflies and roses, a giant heart explosion, followed by a flood of tears. Well, this didn’t happen for me. I think I was in shock for the first 72 hours and really let my husband do most of the nappy changes and cuddles. There was questions of self-doubt – how the frick was I going to raise this little person etc, I was shit scared about going home and doing this ‘alone’, was I going to be a good mother? So on and so on. This generalised fear was slightly paralysing and very confusing. These fears aren’t something I think you can prepare for, but I wish now I had at least considered them a possibility. Pfft, then came the milk! Well that was fun, said not me! After we got home I remember scrolling through all my birth photos every single night while I did the overnight feed/s, and I just cried and cried. As I look back now, I think this was me coming to terms with essentially mourning my pregnancy and being terrified that I could no longer ‘protect’ this precious little creature for the rest of her life. With all the crappy things that come with pregnancy (and for us, even getting pregnant), the miracle of it all still blows my mind daily. As women (and women who are lucky enough to be able to experience pregnancy), wow, I just sit here and literally shake me head – I am lost for words. Wow. How lucky are we? I guess this is why the ‘mummy shaming’ and online nastiness surrounding each other’s parenting styles, beliefs, choices, whatever, are so harshly judged. While no one can take away the importance of a father figure and their part in this process, they will never truly understand what it’s like to go through this from A – Z – and let’s not even mention the daily grind of raising them! I hope this time people can respect MY journey – whether they agree with it or not. MY way is not the ‘right’ way, it’s just MY way – and here it is!
I look forward to writing more pieces like this (selfishly because I find it soothes my soul!), but more importantly this is why I started my blog in the first place. It was an escape from a job I was unhappy in and to create content I am passionate about. I certainly don’t think I am special or better than anyone else, I am just a girl, sitting in-front of her computer (with no bra on while I dry my spray tan!) asking absolutely nothing of you, just kindness. Follow me and my journey, or don’t. This is MY safe place, my haven and a ‘body of work’ that I hope one day my kids and then their kids can read and be proud of.
Here is to a whole lot of #mumlife #babyspam #firstworldpreggieproblems !!!