WAKE ME UP WHEN IT’S ALL OVER…

WAKE ME UP WHEN IT’S ALL OVER…

WAKE ME UP WHEN IT’S ALL OVER…

{ This is my diary. These are my words to our precious little rose petal. This is my attempt to heal through words, because I’m not ready for the real world just yet… }

Today is day six without my Charlotte Rose. I’ve been saying since she left us, the day that follows has been the hardest… Well that’s a lie. Today is and tomorrow will be even harder… The pain is literally crippling. One minute I am trying to get breakfast ready for MG and the next I am on the floor shaking with pain… It’s paralysing to a point where I have very little hope I will ever smile, laugh or ‘be myself’ ever again. There’s a term I was lucky enough to have never heard about until this happened, and that is > YOUR RAINBOW. The rainbow that will (will it???) come after the storm – a term parents who have lost their babies use. I wish so badly I had floated through life in oblivion and never, ever heard this…

The hole she has left in my heart and the disturbing silence in our home is something I could never have imagined even possible. Her nursery, the matching clothes to MG I had bought her, her toys… They are all here and waiting… While she may have been born sleeping, for 3,528 hours I carried her. I was her life support. She was part of me and she always will be. I don’t know who to be angry at. I want and need someone or something to blame, but I know in my rational mind it’s pointless. Our daughter was stolen from us for NO REASON and here we are… Broken in pieces, and yet the world just goes on like nothing has happened. Pretending to be ‘normal’ is unbelievably exhausting – driving, buying milk, getting up in the morning. Existing. This morning was the first time I went back to our local coffee shop in two weeks and it took all my strength. I didn’t want to see people, the sound of laughter and life going on enrages me. I am terrified to see people and have to tell them what’s happened… I desperately need a change of routine and even appearance.

The shock still hasn’t worn off. Two weeks ago I stood on Noosa beach (my happiest place) with my little family and rubbed my belly thinking life really couldn’t get any better, as we planned our next holiday there as a family of four. Three days after that exact moment EVERYTHING fell apart and it couldn’t get any worse. Our logical minds just keep going round and round, and round… WHY US, WHY HER… Parents aren’t suppose to lose their babies… Every line of thought, every emotion, every way of rationalising this is a dead-end. There is no reason. I don’t need to be stronger, I never took my family/health/MG/life for granted, I don’t need this cruel test of ‘strength’ – all this is, is life smashing you to pieces in the worst possible way. Life chose us. Life chose my baby…

CHARLOTTE ROSE 28

To think two weeks ago I was whinging about my ass in a bikini… Missing out on some summer cocktails on our holiday… Stretch marks all over my breasts… How fkn trivial. I fkn hate myself for even thinking those things now… What I wouldn’t give to have a healthy baby here in my arms where she belongs, what I wouldn’t give. I hate myself and I hate my body for not giving her a heart where she could live without me… I look in the mirror and I just hate me. I was suppose to protect her. I was suppose to grow, birth and raise a healthy, happy little human… I’ve done it before, so why is this happening??? Instead she had a broken heart and now she’s gone… There are still moments where I think I feel her move and this is all some crazy nightmare, but it’s not. It’s forever. I have to live the rest of my life without my baby… HOW??? Tell me fkn HOW??? I just want to sleep… I just want to hide forever… I just want this to stop… Make it stop…

I’m sorry to my friends for pushing you away. I’m sorry to every pregnant mummy or mother of a newborn baby, but I just can’t even deal with you right now. The pain is too raw. It hurts too much. I hear the pain will ease, but I’m not even close to believing that yet. I’m angry. My head hurts. My heart constantly aches… I hope the people around me never have to understand any of this, but I ask that you please just give me time. I have to survive for my family and my precious, precious Mia Grace. I’m not ok, but dear God one day I hope I am.

To our Charlotte Rose – finding the words to articulate how deeply I miss you more and more with every second that passes, and how we mourn your future is impossible and excruciatingly painful. I know you are at peace and never felt any pain, but I also know what you’re now missing out on and that hurts THE MOST. I love you with everything I have.

Mummy x

 


To all the other mothers and fathers out there who understand this loss, I am so sorry. To a sleeping angel who left this world on 13th November 2010 called Harry Keighttey, thank you for being our Bear of Hope. I hope to one day find your mummy and daddy and say thank you, and of course we will pay it forward with a bear from our Charlotte Rose.

8 babies are born each day with a heart defect. Every week 4 lives are lost and last week our baby was one of them. HeartKids is a registered Health Charity dedicated to providing support to families of children with heart disease, be it congenital or acquired. PLEASE DONATE – CLICK HERE


 

After some prior bad experiences with images and content I’ve shared through She is, Sarah Jane, the below is unfortunately now necessary – particularly due to the sensitive nature of these images. I am disappointed with all we are experiencing right now that I find myself having to include this. I really hope people can be respectful to our family and our daughter.

© 2017 Sarah Jane Young { The images and photographs contained in this blog post and published on this website are the sole property of She is, Sarah Jane (Sarah Jane Young). They are not to be used, copied or published without written consent of Sarah Jane Young. If the said images are utilised other than with the express written consent of Sarah Jane Young, such person or corporation may be prosecuted for breaches of Intellectual Property Law and other governing legislation }

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