WHEN WORDS ARE ALL YOU HAVE…

WHEN WORDS ARE ALL YOU HAVE…

WHEN WORDS ARE ALL YOU HAVE…

{ This is my diary. These are my words to our precious little rose petal. This is my attempt to heal through words, because I’m not ready for the real world just yet… }

This is my second ‘diary entry’ about losing our darling Charlotte Rose at 21 weeks on Tuesday 10th Jan 2017. This is MY journey and MY grief only. These words are to heal ME and ME only. They are not to grab headlines or sympathy. These words are what I NEED right now, and to be honest, they are what is keeping me from disappearing (from ME), forever. If these words can bring any parent some comfort in knowing they are absolutely not alone, or even just to acknowledge that stillbirth, infancy loss and miscarriage is something too many of us experience, and yet never hear much about, then that’s amazing. These are also my words to our little rose petal and to honour her memory and the tiny (but HUGE) footprint she has left with our family.

To the parents who are beyond blessed to not belong to this awful ‘club’, please don’t be scared. While I am an advocate for speaking out about pretty much everything (!!!), and that now includes stillbirth, this is NOT what pregnancy and the journey of parenthood is about. It IS and should be a time of incredible happiness, excitement, nerves – yes, the beauty of the unknown and watching your body grow and deliver this little human into your world. Becoming a parent will open your heart to the most exquisite and deep love imaginable, it will open your mind and your perspective – FOR THE BETTER. It changes you. FOREVER. I know this because this was exactly how I felt 14 days ago, and I hope more than anything I will feel it again soon. I know and believe this because I have living proof. While we feel like the unluckiest parents in the world in so many ways right now, we just have to look at our first born daughter for hope. She is happy, she is healthy and she has a lust for life and laughter that blows us away every single day. We never took her or our experience for granted, but we also know even more than we did before, we are the luckiest parents in the world to have her. So please, don’t fear your scans, don’t lose faith in your body… Put your energy into the things you CAN CONTROL, and that’s your attitude. Shit can go wrong, let’s not kid around – but the chances are it won’t. Writing these words is like an out of body experience, because our angel’s heart condition is so incredibly rare and sporadic – but life chose us.


DAY EIGHT WITHOUT YOU >

Two weeks ago today we were told our baby wouldn’t survive after birth. I was keeping her alive and her tiny, broken heart simply couldn’t function alone. January 4th will haunt me forever. Without a doubt it was the worst day of my life. I will never return to where I had my 20 week scan and I have thrown out the clothes I was wearing that day. When I get into bed at night and am left alone with my thoughts in the darkness, I have horrible flashbacks to the moment the sonographer was scanning over her heart. It makes me sick writing this… I knew instantly something was wrong. Her heart didn’t look like MG’s and I just knew. The sonographer’s silence will also haunt me forever. As she left the room to get the doctor I think that’s when part of me died… I am struggling to even write these words… Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I know time will soften this raw and aching pain of loss right now, but the terror I now feel for trying to get pregnant again and all that comes with that, scares the absolute shit out of me. Will this happen again? Will I lose my baby AGAIN? Because I can’t… I just can’t… I can only hope this is where seeking professional help and maybe time will slightly adjust these fears, but they will always be there. I am sad that my next pregnancy (if we are lucky enough to conceive our rainbow baby) will not receive the respect and love it deserves. Gosh, I will try so, so hard to work towards that, as that baby deserves only the best – just like their two sisters.

Today I read and responded to hundreds of messages through my Instagram, unfortunately the majority of those were also from mothers who have lost their babies. I cannot thank you all (whether you’ve lost a baby or not) for reaching out. There really isn’t anything to say in this situation, so just acknowledge someone’s loss and respect their grief, whatever way they chose to do this.

Today I sat in the car and cried I don’t know how many times, that seems to be a trigger for me and I don’t know why. Maybe because I am attempting ‘life admin’ and feeling guilty trying to ‘get on with my life’. Maybe because I am outside the safety of my home/my hideaway. Maybe because people are happy and whinging at the post office on the phone about how annoyed they are with their manicurist! What I wouldn’t give for that to be my biggest problem right now… BUT, when I find myself wanting to scream at these people and push some of my pain onto them, I remind myself of some very, very wise words my beautiful friend and midwife Erin said to me during my labour – EVERYONE HAS A STORY… And this is yours”. Maybe this whole F’d up experience will make me a more patient and forgiving person… I will have to try so hard not to let this bitterness and anger with the world/life take over – because this was NOT who I was and not who I want to be.

Today we are seeing a psychologist who specialises in this area and we are both looking forward to it so much. We know there will be no answers, but it’s a safe place to be angry and say/cry everything we feel. I hope so badly she can give us both some advice or tips to simply function and survive for now.

We love you Charlotte Rose x

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